Teenagers: "Parents are only human, and we are subject to the foibles of character," comfort Greg Johnson and Mike Yorkey in Faithful Parents, Faithful Kids.
Some regrets parents of teenagers have shared with them are:
(1) "I handed out too much criticism and not enough praise."
2) "My wife and I weren’t always together on discipline."
3) "I paid too much attention to the small stuff."
4) "Our great fault was not showing them our love and friendship."
(5) "I was too busy sewing, helping other neighbors, and doing good things that others could have done instead of concentrating on my kids as I know they wanted."
6) "I did not always trust the Lord with the outcome of our children. I felt it was my responsibility that they grasped all the teachings of the church."
If you want to make some changes in your home, Johnson and Yorkey suggest:
• Pick only one thing to work on at a time.
• Inform your children of upcoming changes.
• If necessary, apologize to your teens.
• Talk with a few friends, read a few books, watch a few videos on how to get it done.
• Find someone you can trust to hold you accountable for the changes you want to make.
Infants&Toddlers: According to Alicia Lieberman, author of The Emotional Life of the Toddler, separation anxiety becomes most acute at about 18 months. Like everything else, she says, it becomes more complicated in the second year. "In the first year, the mother’s sensitive response was enough to relieve the baby’s distress; but now the toddler fights within himself about wanting versus not wanting his mother’s help. He wants to be the one to decide, but most often he can’t decide on his own."
Unhelpful parental behaviors include:
*Frequent and long separations from the preferred parent.
*Threats of abandonment like, "I will leave you here if you don’t come along."
*Global critical comments like, "You are so stubborn." [
*Over-concern a about child’s physical safety, so that they hover constantly with admonitions about danger like, "You’ll fall, You’ll bump your head"; "You’ll get hurt."
*Becoming too concerned about being sensitive and responsive, minimizing frustration in all circumstances.
Helpful parental behaviors include:
*Remembering that differences in temperament play an important role in the toddler’s ability to adjust to separation.
*Making sure the child is familiar and comfortable with the substitute caregiver and the place where he/she will be staying.
*Leaving tangible reminders of your love, an audiotape, photographs, a toy.
*Stressing what you will do when you are together again.
*Being prepared to recognize child’s fear of separation in behaviors such as night wakings, relapses in toilet training, sudden tantrums, a low threshold of frustration.
*Remembering to never threaten a child with leaving or loss of love in an effort to control behavior!
Preschoolers: How about a winter trip to the zoo? You’ll need a box of animal crackers, some graham crackers, cream cheese (at room temperature), milk, and some honey if desired. Mix a little honey with the cream cheese. Use the milk to thin the mixture. Your child can put a bit of the cream cheese mixture on a graham cracker, then select an animal cracker to stand upright on the graham cracker. Take turns talking about each animal and answering these questions:
What is it?
What does it like to eat?
Where does it live?
Where does it sleep?
What sounds does it make?
How big (or little) is it?
Have you ever seen a real one?
Would you want one for a pet?
Why or why not?
As your child selects several animals, you can make a ‘zoo train’ and take an imaginary trip!
Elementary Years:
1) Have hooks on which to hand book bags. Help your child learn the routine of always leaving the book bag in it’s place.
2) Set a timer to help your child know when it’s time to gather belongings and get ready to leave the house.
3) Pack lunches the night before. If your child takes lunch or milk money, be sure it is set aside in an envelope or coin purse and with school belongings before going to bed.
4) Listen to yourself, are you ordering and rushing your children in the morning? What do you need to do to send them off on a positive note? Remember, your words will go with them to school. They will likely react towards others in response to how you related to them in those early morning moments.
Reprinted with permission from the Lake Union Herald. Susan Murray is an associate professor of family studies who teaches behavioral science and social work at Andrews University. She is a certified family life educator and a licensed marriage and family therapist.
